November 6th marked the ten year anniversary of leaving home for good and going no contact with my mother.
I never intended on going no contact permanently. It was supposed to be temporary. It was only supposed to be until I got an apology from her. “She’s not invited to the wedding until she says she’s sorry,” I thought to myself. Then I started living in my own space where I wasn’t obligated to walk on eggshells to keep a fragile peace with a parent that exploded over the tiniest of infractions—I could finally breathe. I also talked with people who ended up revealing unflattering information about her that wasn’t aware of. While many of these new pieces of information were initially shocking to hear, it was also strangely unsurprising as I was well aware of the darker side to her having lived with it for years. I ultimately came to the conclusion that I was better off without her having realized just how much she had impacted me negatively and learned what an awful human being she is. Besides, I was never going to get any sort of genuine apology from her because that would mean she would have to admit she was wrong without having to over explain her actions.
My line in the sand ended up becoming a wall to protect myself from a monster.
I thought the day of the ten year anniversary wasn’t going to be as hard as it was, but I was assaulted with emotions from the moment I woke up that day and it drained me. A decade later and I still haven’t put a pin in on how I’m supposed to feel about it. Anger? Melancholy? Relief? Happiness? Is it okay to feel all of these feelings at once? Is it okay to feel conflicted—sad that I have no relationship with the person who gave birth to me, but happy that I no longer deal with the toxicity the relationship with her brought and have managed to stick with a boundary I set with her? Is it fucked up to wish she would just die already so she doesn’t continue to haunt my life?
The only thing I was for sure on about the day was that it was much sunnier than it was ten years ago on that dreary day moving the rest of my things out for the new apartment while my mother and her boyfriend sulked like a couple of toddlers because they were losing their meal ticket—yet another thing I wasn’t previously aware of. No matter how I may feel, I know that I made the right decision even if it’s the hardest one I’ll ever have live with.